


Don't let me in

by astrangebird



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Eventually Resolved Romantic Tension, First Kiss, Healing, M/M, Pining, Unresolved Romantic Tension, also you could cut the tension with a knife, canon adjacent, like a lot of pining, more like a missing scene, purple prose disguised as meditation, real vague descriptors of a few gross things in ch1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25456228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrangebird/pseuds/astrangebird
Summary: "Do you need healing?" Fjord asks quietly."I mean yeah, but I'll be fine until we get out.""I only asked for that first part. Now sit back down."They've slayed a mighty beast and Caduceus dutifully heals them, but who heals the healer?
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 34
Kudos: 314





	1. under your skin

Quiet comes over the battle field, the smell of blood, salt, ash, and decay thick in the air. The last gurgling breath leaves the beast as its head falls limp to the small sliver of land at the edge of it's cave with a resounding and resolute thud before sliding off into the water, run a soupy brown with blood and disturbed algae. The creature was quick, both in agility and wit, adept in its lair in a way they would have been woefully unprepared for had Fjord and Caduceus not prepared the proper spells for the wet terrain. 

But that didn't mean it was easy. It just meant they didn't die.

With little land to investigate, and no one willing to go for a dip in the briny ichor, the Nein take a moment to rest as Caduceus begins his prayer. He sits on the wet ground, angled uncomfortably to favor his bad knee, worse today. The quiet chatter of the group fades away as he focuses on finding the Mother in this strange wilderness that seems displeased with his presence. He faintly hears Beau debating with Caleb over the morality of what they just did, like talking about it now will change the decision they already made, but slowly their voices trail away into the gentle chirping of crickets, the call of birds, and the lapping of waves. He tries not to think about the water of the lair. 

A stillness finds him slowly, though his thoughts seem to focus on the water, no longer the subterranean lake of a beast but now the constant crash of waves against sand. He doesn't often think of the beach while meditating, having grown up surrounded by woods, but he finds himself there anyway. In this half trance he only partly sees this imagined beach, only partly feels the rocky ground beneath him, only partly feels the gentle warm sea breeze against his face, only partly feels a hand on his shoulder. It's nice, this halfway place. 

Soon enough the group feels the warm wash of divinity roll over them as Caduceus finishes his small communion and the sounds and, regrettably, smells of the cave slowly come back to him. He keeps his eyes closed a moment longer, watching this unseen beach fade from his minds eye. He opens his eyes to the dimly lit interior of the cave and his companions slowly and stiffly climbing to their feet, readying themselves for their return journey. 

The warm hand on his shoulder gives a gentle squeeze and Caduceus looks over to see Fjord standing at his side with his sword in hand, blade stuck loosely in the ground, looking down on him with a kind smile. It hadn't always looked like that, that smile. It used to have more of an edge to it. Despite the tusks poking between his lips he seems to smile more warmly now than he had before. So he smiles back, and Fjord's smile widens in return, like it was just for him.

"Thank you, Ducey. I'm feeling better already." Fjord says quietly, patting his shoulder in a way that feels awkward for some reason now that the silence has broken.

He's felt a quiet affection growing towards this wayward sailor, watching his more brash and threatening facade fall to the wayside to reveal an unrelentingly kind and awkwardly charming man. And while Caduceus tells himself it's pride in his transformation, he's never been a great liar. Sometimes just not acknowledging the truth is good enough.

"Mmm, not a problem." Caduceus responds, a small pleased smile on his lips and the flutter of dragonfly wings batting against his ribs. 

He makes to stand and stutters, the ache in his knee throbbing along with the numerous bruises and cuts sustained from the fight. Fjord's gentle hand becomes a bracing one, grabbing hold of the edge of his plate armor to keep him from falling prone.

"Woah easy there! Are you alright? Are you still injured?" He asks, a slight tremor of nervous confusion in his voice.

"I'll be alright," Caduceus groans, managing to get a leg up under him, "I'll heal myself when we get out of this cave. Don't want to use another spell in case we run into anything weird on the way back."

"Caduceus," Fjord starts, quiet but alarmed, "You didn't heal yourself?"

Fjord crouches down to put both hands on his shoulders, steadying his teetering form. He hadn't before but now he feels a bit embarrassed leaving himself out under Fjord's worried brow.

"Well, yeah?" He replies, and Fjord scrunches his brow further, "I uh, wanted to make sure everyone else was ok."

"You didn't even ask if anyone didn't need it." 

"Everyone did need it."

"And maybe you needed it more?" 

Fjord holds his gaze and Caduceus almost feels guilty, not for putting others first but for putting himself last, which is a strange feeling.

"I hadn't thought about that." He mumbles. Fjord often makes him think about things differently.

"Do you need healing?" Fjord asks quietly.

"I mean yeah, but I'll be fine until we get out."

"I only asked for that first part. Now sit back down." 

Fjord gently eases him back to the ground, despite mild protesting. He leans back a bit, shaking out his hands and taking a breath before leaning back in with his hands outstretched toward him.

"Not to sound like a very trashy romance novel but, where does it hurt?" Fjord asks, face pinched in amusement with his own joke, though Caduceus can't say he gets why it's funny.

"I don't know what that means but if I had to pick a place I'd say my bad knee." Caduceus answers, cupping the back of his knee in both hands to position his leg more in line with Fjord. His boots are still caked in muck with puncture holes littering the leather and cloth of his pants. 

"May I… put my hands on you? I don't have much but a little bit could mean a lot." Fjord's hands extend toward his knee but hover just over it. 

Despite himself he feels his heart skip just a bit at the pleading look in Fjord's eyes and the quiet devotion in his voice. It's a sound he's almost used to hearing, though he doesn't know what to do with the fact that he hears it most when it's just the two of them.

He reaches a hand towards Fjord's, only lightly touching the back of his hand with his finger tips.

"You should save that for an emergency, something important." He says quietly, resting his hand more fully atop Fjord's.

"This is important." Fjord rebukes, a firmness in his voice that allows no contest.

And Caduceus believes him, if only for this moment, that it must be important.

"Alright." He concedes, withdrawing his hand. 

"Alright." Fjord echo's, looking down at this hands and setting them gingerly down on his knee.

Fjord closes his eyes, pinches them tight like he's thinking really hard, and sure enough in a moment a faintly green glow is visible peeking out from under his palms. But Caduceus doesn't watch his hands, he's seen the glow of divine magic enough on his own. Instead he watches his face, how his furrowed brow loosens as he finds his center and the way his lips part to release a held breath. There's the strange but familiar sensation of warm sun and cold waves rushing through him, but with a far greater intensity than the first furtive attempt he made so long ago. For a moment the intensity rises, and it almost feels like his stomach drops out from under him, like cresting a harsh wave out at sea only to be followed by that warm sunlight, a calming chaser. 

He gasps in shock at the feeling, felt and over with almost as quickly as it arrived. Jolting under Fjord's hands he doesn't feel the sting of open wounds pulling against his pant leg. His lungs feel fuller, like an unsettled rib had slotted itself back in place. The skin of his cheek pulls tight for a moment as a cut weaves itself closed. Caduceus reaches forward and squeezes Fjord's hands in his as if he could stop the spell once started, spilling light between their fingers before the spell finally sputters out on it's own leaving a warm tingle behind. Fjord's eyes pop open in surprise and he grips his hands back.

"What? What is it?" Fjord asks, eyes darting over Caduceus' face before glancing around them.

"That wasn't just a laying of hands, Fjord." Caduceus says in a low voice.

Fjord whips his head back to face Caduceus, eyes wide when they meet his intense stare. For a moment they're silent, just holding each other's gaze with their hands clasped tight together. Fjord squares his jaw and pushes his tusks out of a confident smile. 

"You're right. It wasn't." He says, almost challenging.

"You should have saved that."

"For what?" Definitely a challenge.

"Something _important_."

"That _was_ important, Caduceus."

"I can heal my-"

"But you didn't," Fjord interrupts, scooting closer on his knees and drawing their linked hands up between them, "You didn't heal yourself. Again. Don't think I don't notice how often you leave yourself out."

Caduceus looks down at his knee rather than Fjord's face, in this moment he would rather study the teeth marks left in the linen of his pants than meet Fjord's oh too earnest eyes. 

Fjord pulls their clasped hands toward his chest, gently pressing his knuckles into the wave patterned leather of his breastplate. "Caduceus look at me." He pleads softly.

He keeps his head down but looks up through his furrowed brow and drooping hair. His blue grey hands look so thin and pale in Fjord's wide palms, the warm yellow undertones of his rough green skin an interesting contrast. 

It's still a pleasant surprise, seeing Fjord's true face. He wears his vulnerability on his sleeves now, at least when they aren't on a job. Sometimes in the dead of night when faith is hard to hold he sees something raw in those amber eyes. Sometimes it's just after dinner time in the lair of a slain beast. 

"Let us-" Fjord stalls, chews on his lips for a moment, starts again, "Let _me_ care for you the way you care for me."

He has the gall to smile in that soft and quiet way he does after every communion. Like Caduceus was something special, like he mattered in a deeper way than how every life matters. Something tight and knotted twists in his chest, deep under the ribs. It feels like that moment of recognition when you catch the reflective sheen of eyes in the bush.

_This can't be what it sounds like._

"Fjord, I-"

"Fjord! Cad! Let's go! I don't wanna sleep in this gross cave!" Beau shouts from the mouth of the corridor where the others wait. 

"Coming!" Fjord shouts back, catching Caduceus' eyes when he turns back to him.

Quietly he asks, "Will you be alright?" 

Fjord strokes his thumbs over the backs of his knuckles, still held in his divinely warmed hands. 

"Yeah," He squeezes Fjord's fingers just a bit tighter, "I think I'll be alright."

"Then let's get moving." Fjord says with a smile and wink, and Caduceus can't help the hot flush that washes through him, like he's never winked at him before.

Fjord climbs to his feet and pulls Caduceus to his. When he finally releases his hands it's only to grab him by his thin arms, holding him for a moment to ensure he's steady. There's a tension between them now, a forced formality alongside the growing familiarity like there's still more to say but maybe now isn't the time, a moment of silence just aching to scream. The smile on Fjord's face is genuine, as it always is lately, but he looks unsatisfied, wanting. Caduceus doesn't know what to do with that, he isn't accustomed to want. He doubts his observation and calls himself a coward, pushing his thoughts into the minds of others. He didn't notice his hands were still warm until Fjord is pressing the cool wood of his staff into his hands.

"Can't forget that." Fjord remarks, almost to himself.

"No, can't forget that." Caduceus echo's, leaning on his staff a bit heavy before taking a tentative step toward the exit, surprised at how easy his bad knee follows the good.

"What took you so long?" Caleb asks, looking a sad waterlogged sight in contrast to the bright and beautiful Frumpkin perched on his shoulder.

"Oh um," Caduceus starts, trying to reframe it in a way that didn't feel oddly embarrassing, when Fjord claps a hand down on his shoulder.

"Ducey and I were just… taking a moment to thank the Wildmother for Her protection during battle and the gifts of restoration that She showers us with." He squeezes his shoulder and gives him a shake, swaying him in a way that feels like performative kinship though his only audience was Caleb.

Now Caduceus wouldn't say that Caleb is a particularly expressive man, but his sharp eyes dart from Fjord's face to the hand on his shoulder up to Caduceus and back again. He quirks an eyebrow and his lips twitch in a strange way, one might assume it was the beginnings of a smile if Caleb could commit to one. He feels weirdly seen, as if Caleb can see the tension like the threads of his equations, clearly there and only waiting to be discovered. 

"Hmm, yes She certainly smiles upon us through the two of you. Thank you again, Caduceus," Caleb says, rubbing at a rib that must have set during his prayer, "Appreciated as always."

"Not a problem, Mister Caleb."

Caleb gives him an appraising look, calculating and quick. "You look quite ah, well restored indeed, Mister Clay." His eyes dart back to Fjord before finding an empty space in the middle distance, a true and sly smile pulling at the corner of his mouth before he turns toward the exit.

"You good to go?" Fjord whispers, hand trailing to rest on his arm once more.

Fjord looks up at him with a conspiratorial grin like they had gotten away with something and Caduceus feels that knot twist tighter.

"Yeah I'm good. Let's go." He smiles back, hoping it seems genuine and if it doesn't that he just looks tired.

"Alright." Fjord's smile dims, a wrinkle of confusion on his brow, his hand lingers and Caduceus can't help wishing it would stay.

They continue on, the journey back through the cave is slightly less treacherous if only because they've made the trek before, Caduceus never did have to use that saved spell slot. Fjord hovers at his side when he isn't snapping back and forth with Veth about how clumsy his is, blaming it on his recent growth spurt. When they finally reach the mouth of the cave the group collectively sighs in relief, happy to see the night sky above them. Caleb points out that the stars have shifted compared to where he knows them in the north, a testament to how far they have come together. Jester says that seeing them like this is closer to how she knew them at home. Fjord names a few that he once used to find his way to port. Caduceus is just happy that they're still there. 

They make camp against an outcropping of rocks. Caduceus makes them a meager dinner, staring hard into the pot as he stirs since any time he lets his eyes wander they land on Fjord's hands, so he's surprised when a cup of tea is brought into his vision. Yasha holds two cups, one for herself and the other held out to Caduceus. 

"Fjord made tea." She states plainly when he accepts the cup, taking a seat next to him by the fire.

"Oh?" Caduceus looks into the cup then out at the group. Fjord is on the other side of the fire with Caduceus' tea pot in hand, pouring himself a cup.

"Said you would like it." She says.

Caduceus breaths in the scent and his ribs give a quiet ache at the smell of lavender and chamomile, the blend he has taken to drinking in the evenings after meditating with Fjord.

Fjord looks up and smiles when he catches his eyes, another one of those smiles that feels like it was made just for him.

_It wasn't. Don't be selfish._

Caduceus smiles back at him, nodding and tipping his cup in thanks. Fjord beams with the attention before setting the pot aside to dig through Caduceus' bag for sugar. 

_You would be asking too much. Your duty is to guide not to..._

He didn't know how to finish that rather vitriolic thought, so he let it be.

The rhythm continues, Caleb makes his dome, they decide their watch order, and bedrolls are laid out. As always he rolls his out near the center, next to Yasha, so he has enough room to stretch out entirely. And as always Fjord rolls his out on his other side. Fjord falls asleep fast tonight, head pillowed in his arms and one foot hanging out of his blankets. Caduceus doesn't. He lays there for far too long. Jester and Beau's quiet conversation changes topics at least 5 times. He lays there on his back and if asked would say he was watching the stars instead of counting the odd bluish freckles that dot Fjord's sun-kissed cheeks and pressing his hands to his chest like he could rub the ache away. 

Eventually, the constant call of crickets lulls him to sleep. He dreams of the ocean under the moonlit sky.


	2. over the moon

Caduceus is awoken by Caleb gently shaking his shoulder, even in the dim light the dome provides he looks tired. 

"Your turn." He whispers, patting haphazardly at his arm before turning to jostle Fjord. 

He groans at his stiff back and sits up, joints popping as he stretches. Veth kneels down on her bedroll at his feet and face-plants into her pillow. Beside him Fjord whines and swats at Caleb's hand. 

"Your turn." Caleb whispers again before crawling past Fjord to curl around Veth.

Caduceus grabs his tea supplies and scoots to the edge of the dome and Fjord gracelessly plops down next to him yawning and cracking an alarming number of joints as he stretches.

"Mornin'." Fjord mumbles as he gets comfortable. He notes that Fjord can properly cross his legs now.

"Good morning." Caduceus replies, setting up his kettle stand.

The two of them sit quietly for a while, though it isn't silent, nocturnal animals skitter in the trees on the outskirts of their encampment and the sound of cicadas is almost deafening if you listen too hard. Caduceus thinks on the sense of having hot tea when it's already so warm but remembers that it's the act of drinking it that he's really after and not the heat.

As the companionable quiet drags on Caduceus spares a sidelong glance at Fjord. He's pleased to see that Fjord has taken the initiative to meditate on his own, eyes closed, face relaxed, back as straight as he can muster. He grips the lid to his kettle perhaps a bit too hard as he wills his eyes from traveling down the curve of his spine, in full view this morning with the muggy tropical heat.

_It's rude to stare._

He busies his hands with portioning out a dollop of honey into one of the two cups he set out, the tea is almost ready and he knows Fjord likes his a little sweet.

_Is it rude to admire?_

His eyes are drawn back to Fjord's seated form. His breathing is measured and deep, and Caduceus watches his ribs expand and compress with each breath. The dim amber light of the dome paints Fjord's skin a fascinating shade of copper, the scars that litter his body almost a faint peach. He notes that he's got a bit more bulk to him than he thought, so used to thinking of everyone as small in comparison to himself. But Fjord isn't built like he is, where Caduceus is willowy and lean Fjord is thick and strong. He has a swimmers build, kept fit through endless walking and sword fighting, though a bit softer on the edges where hearty meals have helped to fill in the gaps of his youth. And Jester is right, he is very handsome. The knot in his chest twists at the thought.

He tips the lid on his kettle to inspect his tea, a little stronger today by the looks of it.

_It's wrong to look at him like that._

He pours two cups of tea and sets his kettle down, taking Fjord's cup in his hands to stir the honey.

_But why is it wrong?_

Beside him Fjord takes a deep breath, like awakening from a dream. He lets out a contented sigh, rolls his shoulders and leans back on his hands. Caduceus stares into the tea as he stirs a little longer than necessary.

"Welcome back." He says, keeping his voice low to not wake the others quite yet. 

"Thank you," Fjord yawns.

Caduceus offers up his tea to which Fjord accepts eagerly, taking a moment to breath it in first before carefully taking a drink. A small affectionate smile pulls at his lips at the taste of honey.

"Thank you, again." Fjord say, softer this time.

Caduceus hums his acknowledgement and drinks from his. 

The cicadas continue their unrelenting scream and they sit quietly together. The quiet has always been comfortable between them, Fjord for the longest time kept his thoughts to himself and Caduceus was used to sitting alone, but now the quiet feels different. Now it feels as loud as the early morning around them. His chest aches knowing the tension is probably his own doing, that it can go away if he chooses to do anything about it.

_I never actually thanked him yesterday._

That must be the source of the tension, a favor left un-thanked, obviously.

Caduceus clears his throat and suddenly feels nervous? Embarrassed? Something weird.

"Fjord, I forgot to thank you last night." He spares a look towards Fjord and regrets it because he forgot he still wasn't wearing a shirt and that he was as handsome as Jester boasts, so he looks back into his nearly empty cup. "You didn't have to use such a powerful spell for me, but I'm grateful that you did. So, thank you."

Fjord let's out a snort of a laugh. "Of course I did. You think a piddly laying of hands would have made a difference with all the damage you took yesterday?" 

"I could have-"

"But you didn't," Fjord sighs, exasperated. 

There's a beat of silence as Caduceus looks away, towards the rocks that make up the back half of their camp. A warm hand settles on his knee and Caduceus looks down at it, embarrassed and confused. He doesn't dare follow the line of Fjord's arm, he isn't sure what his own face will do if he looks.

"Hey," Fjord calls, gentle, like soothing an angry child. Is that really how he was acting now? 

Caduceus takes a breath and does what he can to school his features into something more neutral and looks back to Fjord, turned to face him now nearly knee to knee. Like yesterday when he held his hands and pleaded for him to let himself be healed, open and earnest in that way that the dim light lends him to be.

"You aren't alone anymore, you know that right? There are people you can turn to when you need help." 

"I- I know that. It's just, it's still a little difficult to get used to. And…" He isn't sure how this will sound to Fjord's ears, but he should at least say part of the truth, so he looks out at the group and focuses on the braided tangle of Yasha's hair instead of Fjord.

"I'm supposed to be the teacher, the guide for this group. The guide puts his needs and… wants, second, after the group." Those things aren't lies, they just skirt the truth.

Fjord is quiet for a moment, his clawed thumb brushes back and forth over the weave of his pants as he thinks.

"I don't have any weird plant metaphors but maybe a sailing one will do. Ducey, even the most weathered sailors need to make port sometime."

Caduceus finally looks back and there it is again, that look about him, raw and wanting in a way he hasn't learned words for yet.

"Fjord, I-" He stammers, the gnarled knot twisting into his throat, not sure what he wanted to say but knowing he didn't want the silence and cicadas to be the only sounds between them.

"You said it yourself, I don't need your guidance anymore, that I'm doing just fine on my own. I'm certainly no teacher but," He lifts his hand from his knee and there's a moment of hesitation before he sets it on Caduceus shoulder, calloused fingers laying against the thin fluff on his arm, "Maybe I can look after you sometimes."

"Mr. Fjord," he finds himself laughing, a strained and breathy sound, like this would be funny if it were a joke, "That's ah that's very kind of you but-"

_But what?_

"But?" Fjord prompts.

"But... That would be asking too much of you." It's probably not true but it's the only justification his panicked mind can give.

Fjord smiles, amused at what even to him must seem an obvious dodge, "But you haven't asked. Is it too much if I offer it?" 

"I... Guess not."

Fjord studies his face, a pinch drawing between his brows, "Do you think you'd be taking advantage of me?"

The way he says it makes it seem like it's unbelievable, like the thought hadn't crossed his mind until it left his mouth, as if it hadn't been on Caduceus' mind anytime he looks too long or smiles too wide.

"It is... Something I've thought about, something I've been afraid of."

"Caduceus you aren't my master. We're- we're friends and equals and you just give me advice about the Wildmother like I've given you advice on how to be a sailor." Fjord chews on his lips like he's chewing on words and smiles at him, exasperated, "Just let me heal you once in a while, damnit! It doesn't have to be an event, it's just," Fjord pauses, makes a adjustment in his expression so subtle that Caduceus doesn't really know what changed but he feels like he's seen Fjord do this to people before, "It's just friends helping friends."

_You don’t overthink much..._

Of course, Fjord is just a good friend with a good heart trying to be that bright light of hope that he's destined to be. Caduceus has just been taking his role as spiritual guide too seriously. These are all competent, if not a bit broken, bull headed adults that can and do make decisions against his guidance. Fjord isn't his student, he's just his friend.

Caduceus laughs, his own exasperated huff, "I suppose I did make a bit of a fuss about it, didn't I?"

"Maybe just a bit." Fjord smiles one of those damned crooked smiles, like he doesn't know what it does to people.

_Just your friend._

Caduceus clears his throat, suddenly aware of how close they are again, "Then thank you, friend, for your help yesterday. It was much appreciated."

Fjord doesn't say your welcome and give him a friendly pat like he should. The hand that's been resting on his shoulder like a comforting anchor moves to rest against his neck where his pulse pounds like a river in spring. He holds his eyes, searching for an answer he's too afraid to give, that raw and wanting look all over his face.

"You're important to me, Caduceus. I don't want you to neglect yourself for us." He flounders for a moment like he's been thrown off by his own words, just as unbelieving of what's coming out of his mouth as Caduceus is, "Selfish as it is I'll take care of you myself if I must."

_Oh that's not just a friend._

Caduceus feels the wind leave him, like he'd been holding his breath this whole time, for weeks really.

"That's ha- that's quite the undertaking. We get hurt a lot." Despite himself he leans into Fjord's hand and smiles a dopey smile because what else is there to do with ones face at a time like this.

"Then I will be by your side to protect you from whatever comes next."

Fjord pinches his lips together, like he's desperately trying not to smile with all his teeth or maybe just keep what's left of last night's dinner in his stomach and Caduceus laughs, a startled bark of a sound at first before he remembers that the others are sleeping. 

"Yeah, alright. I like the sound of that." Caduceus can't help but watch Fjord's mouth as it forms another crooked smile. All the thoughts that he keeps to himself about whether or not the skin of his lips feels different than the callouses on his hands come front and center, demanding to be thought.

For a moment it's like looking in a mirror. He looks up and catches Fjord's eyes pulling up as well, he can't help but wonder if that wanting look is on his own face.

He feels himself leaning closer, a magnetic pull that was easy to ignore when it wasn't acknowledged, when they sat at a more respectful distance, when they didn't speak so earnestly or it wasn't so dark or the coiling knot of gnarled thorns sat quietly behind his lungs. He can feel the heat coming off of Fjord's body warmer than the tropical heat of the island. He doesn't know what to do with his hands so he tangles his fingers together in his lap. 

This feels like a dream, one he wouldn't admit to having, something meant to exist only in thought because to put it to practice would be to overstep a boundary of his own design. But Fjord leans in too, pulled by that magnetic field, rising up onto his knees and balancing himself with a hand to Caduceus thigh.

"Caduceus," Fjord whispers, though his voice seems so much louder now that he's so close. 

_Tell me to stop,_ he hears.

"Fjord." He whispers back, feeling his own breath bounce back to him. 

_No,_ he replies.

There's a brief shimmer, magic coming undone, then the gentle _whoosh_ of the dome disappearing around them. 

Caleb groans behind them, roused by the ending of his spell.

He didn't realize he had begun to close his eyes, so when they fly open and his vision is filled with Fjord's equally startled face he instinctively pulls back. Fjord's hands fly from him as he sinks back to the ground, like he was burned by the contact that had been such a comfort but a moment before. Whatever spell had been cast by the dying shadows of night has been broken by dawn's light, too fragile a thing to be held by others.

The dim light of morning colors them now, hot orange peaking low through trees as the sky above is turning a pale blue. Caduceus can see now that Fjord is flushed in ruddy browns down his face and chest, pushing his hands through his hair with a frustrated huff. Caduceus had hoped to relieve what tension there was between them not redouble it, not name it, not give it power over him. His tangled hands itch to move, to grasp Fjord's hand like he had yesterday, to touch him gently like Fjord had just moments ago. But now that the dome has vanished that moment is over, his tentative permission revoked. 

"Guten morgen." Caleb says quietly, his voice rough with sleep as he disentangles himself from Veth.

Caduceus hums an acknowledgement, a bit unsure if the morning is indeed good so settles for a noncommittal agreement. As the group slowly rises and he starts a second pot of tea he catches Fjord's eye as he pulls his undershirt over his head. For the first time in weeks his mask is back in place, perfectly neutral, perfectly friendly, perfectly distant, and Caduceus' gut twists with another unknowable, unnamed anxiety. 

He gives a tight lipped smile a receives one in return. This one wasn't made just for him.


	3. I don't know what I'd do

Caduceus was sick of this island. They lost their boat, he kept losing his stuff, the unnatural nature here seemed to hate him; he was tired. 

Thankfully there was a stockpile of boats tucked away apparently just waiting to be found, though a few months ago he likely would have put up more of a fight on whether or not these boats were actually available to them. But today he's grateful for any way to get off this mother forsaken island and if it means going slowly by boat to accommodate a few extra passengers than an expensive teleportation spell can handle then so be it. Over the past few months Caduceus has rejoiced in having people around, of being able to share meals and space and sleeping quarters, he had missed the closeness of being surrounded by others. But this new, much larger boat, was a blessing as he got to have his own room instead of sleeping in the dome where things had stopped making sense. 

His room was small, just a bed mounted to one wall and a table mounted to the other with a sconce between them. The bed wasn't long enough for sure, most beds weren't. But this bed wasn't touching everyone else's and he could close the door and be alone with his thoughts for at least a few moments.

…

God's why would he want to be alone with his thoughts right now? All of them circled back to that early morning where the screams of cicadas could drive you mad and he feels like he must be because all he can think about is Fjord. His yellow eyes, his gentle calloused hands, his copper colored shoulders and peach colored scars. If he thinks too hard on it the story stops making sense because at some point he has to remember that he was present in these images, that these things truly happened. His mind didn't just produce the image of Fjord's eyes filled with an oh too familiar longing. He didn't just imagine the comforting hand on his knee or the feeling of his heart hammering in his throat. How would he have known that the ragged scars on Fjord's chest would look so bright in the amber light of the dome if he hadn't seen them himself?

Like a lot of things in life, a room to himself is a blessing and a curse. Blessed to not have those yellow eyes looking at him with a desperation that he hates himself for knowing, cursed to think only of those same eyes when he's alone at night.

Work, he's just got to put himself to work. He's done it before he can do it again.

The first leg of their journey was to Nicodranas to drop off a number of passengers fleeing the island of Vo and would take about a week according to Orly's slow but certain drawl and all his maps. Caduceus was happy to fall back into the rhythm that sailing allowed. Up before dawn to create and cook food for far more people than he'd ever tried, tending to the few salvageable barrels this ship had onboard to start setting up a stockpile, taking turns on deck to keep watch, familiar things. Things that made sense.

He wouldn't know what to do with himself if there was no work to do. He certainly didn't want to _stay_ alone in his cramped little room filled with his own thoughts. And while the distraction of work was nice it did lead to times where he had to work with Fjord. Those times were both his favorite and most dreaded times. Sometimes everything felt good and right and normal, like they had before. Other times there was an awkwardness, words they both knew needed to be said screaming silently between them. They would lock eyes for a moment too long and Caduceus would feel heat prickle down his spine as embarrassment and confusion made him feel vaguely nauseous before he would look away, feeling Fjord's eyes on his back as he continued to avoid him. 

The first day at sea is almost a blur of finding the routine, finding what jobs need to be done and who's to do them. He falls asleep almost immediately that night. 

The second went, well, not as fast. With Jester's help the two of them managed to create quite a bit of food and water, meaning there was less cooking he needed to do. And there were a number of sailors that had left the island with them, meaning there were plenty of hands on deck, he didn't have to try and do every job he knew. And many of them knew the jobs better, taking over out of habit and for some a feral need to return to what they knew before. Caduceus could understand that.

And while having so many skilled hands aboard was nice it did lead to more down time, which means more time to think, more time he would have to chose between either avoiding Fjord or risking being around him and having a conversation he didn't know how to have. How does one go about having a talk like this? Just go up to him and ask "so I think we almost kissed the other day, should we do something about that?" Who does that? What happens next? Caduceus spends the day in the kitchen making another attempt at bread.

That night he doesn't fall asleep easy. That night he lays in bed with his feet hanging off the end staring up at the ceiling, knowing that Fjord is up there somewhere on the deck while his cowardice keeps him away, not just from the man he's come care for more intimately than any other but from his friend who's probably also feeling lost and confused.

_No this isn't a teaching moment, this is a learning moment._

He rolls over and groans his frustrations into the pillow.

He sleeps terribly, wakes far before dawn and prepares a whole days worth of food for their few dozen crew and passengers, probably puts more effort into it than is truly necessary. As the day slowly turns towards noon he finds himself sitting cross-legged in the crows nest hoping to meditate now that that island is but a memory and gone beyond the horizon. The constant sound of water rushing and cresting across the bow of the ship is comforting. The sun is hot and the wind is cool. This is nice, this feels good, this feels familiar. He lets himself relax and reach out to the Mother, not really looking to ask any questions, just to feel her presence. 

Caduceus finds himself in that halfway place again. His eyes are closed, but a fuzzy image slowly comes into focus. It's another beach, this one looks familiar. He's been here before. Craggy salt crusted rocks jutting from the crystal blue waters. He still hears the sound of the waves against the ship, feels the sun hot on his face, but on the beach the waters are calm and the sun is setting to the east. He turns, the hot sun still warming the side of his face and he sees the Mother, her lighthouse. Nicodranas. He looks the other way and his heart pounds. Before him Fjord stands with his feet in the surf, looking out towards the setting sun. He can feel his focus slipping. He takes a breath, relaxes his clenched hands, trusts that the Mother has brought him here on purpose. He centers himself once more, feels the cool breeze, looks back out at the ocean, back at Fjord. 

He makes a picturesque scene, his strong frame silhouetted against the fire of the setting sun. It's peaceful here. The waves push gently at the shore, washing over Fjord's calves where his pants are rolled up. He looks calmer now. At home here. He turns and looks over his shoulder at Caduceus. His breath hitch but he lets it go and he's glad he does. Fjord smiles at him, bright and open and real, so much more himself than he has been these past few days at sea. This smile loosens the tangled knot of thorns in his gut. This smile was made just for him.

The vision fades, and Caduceus wishes he could hold onto it for just a little longer. He keeps his eyes closed, not ready to return to the now. But he knows he must, there is work to do.

"Thank you, I hope to do right by him." He says quietly to the open air.

The breeze blows a bit stronger, and it's surprisingly cool, brisk even. He opens his eyes and it's approaching dusk. He reaches for the side of the crows nest, gripping the wood to be sure he's really there. He must have been up here for hours, though he isn't sore or even sunburned. He feels great, refreshed even, like taking a dip in the cold stream behind his house. 

He laughs, a bit beside himself. He peers over the edge of the crows nest and watches the goings on down below. They seem to be making their preparations for a shift change, crew coming out from below deck with coffee in hand, a few stealing sips from flasks before patting them on the back to head down to bed. He's normally heading to bed at this hour, but there's a restlessness in his limbs that says he likely wont be able to sleep until dawn. Caduceus collects himself and climbs down, hoping to catch a crew member before they go to bed to tell them he likely wont be making breakfast but that there is plenty of food stored for morning. 

There's a calmness to his mind that he hasn’t felt for days. Those thoughts that have been circling through are still there, still demanding his attention, but he feels he can focus now. Speculation has never been his strong suit. Speculating about how Fjord feels or how he will react isn't helpful. All he has is what he knows. He knows there is something strong and unspoken between them. He knows he cares for Fjord, maybe not more than anyone else, but differently, deeply. He knows that he nearly kissed him the other morning, that he wanted to, that he was going to allow himself that indulgence if Fjord would meet him halfway. He can't deny himself this knowledge anymore. 

He hears Orly let out a hearty laugh and Caduceus sees him at the helm, smacking Fjord on the back with one large hand. Fjord laughs in return, though looking a little winded from the friendly pat. It's nice to see him smile. 

Just this morning Caduceus likely would have went scurrying below deck, hiding from what he knows he has to do. But there's some wind in his sails this evening, and if he's going to do anything about he has to do it now. He holds his place on the deck, and takes a breath.

"Captain!" He calls.

Fjord turns to the sound of his voice with a start and approaches the banister. He looks… hesitant, but calls back to him.

"Yes, Mr. Clay?"

"Could I have a word? If you aren't busy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I thought that this was gonna be the last chapter but it ran away from me. here's hoping the next will truly be the last.


	4. They say nobody's perfect (but they've never met a devil like you)

Caduceus stands on the deck of the ship, unsure of himself but sure in the fact that he has to take this step, even if everything that lead to this was a misunderstanding, even if it was hard or if he was embarrassed. At the very least he wants to be able to talk to Fjord as his friend without it being weird, at most he hopes to find some resolution for his aching heart, whatever that might mean.

He beckons Fjord to come down to the main deck.

He turns to Orly and says something too quiet to hear over the wind and waves. Orly nods and pats him more gently on the shoulder. 

"Of course!" He calls back, adjusting his coat and descending the stairs.

_Alright Clay, you don't have to make it weird. You're both adults who can handle being a bit embarrassed. Fjord is your friend and even if this was all some sort of confusion he will be your friend when it's over and you can go back to how things were._

He hasn't felt so nervous in his life, his palms are sweating and he still doesn't know what to do with them. 

When Fjord finally stands before him he feels at once too close and too far, it's been three whole days since he's been within arms reach. He's practiced at hiding his intentions so his face is unreadable, neutral in that aggravating way of his. 

"Walk with me?" Caduceus asks, gesturing towards the bow of the ship.

"Sure." Fjord replies, falling into step with him like he always has.

They walk together in what must be the most uncomfortable of silences they've had yet. Caduceus walks with his hands clasped together in front of him while Fjord's are held behind, like they must be watchful of their hands lest they wander on their own. While he's nervous to speak the silence hurts worse, so as they pass the main mast he breaks the silence.

"So… should I start or would you like to?" Caduceus offers, hoping that a soft opening will make things go smoother.

Fjord smiles and laughs, a tired sort of sound, "I don't think I know how to start."

"You know, I don't either." He laughs, feeling lighter already knowing they can at least still laugh together. 

The pair come to stand at the banister at the bow of the ship. Caduceus used to get anxious looking over the side, but now he knows to focus on the horizon and not the water. Something about it brings him a strange bit of peace, after all, this is Her's too. 

"I think I'm going to start with an apology. I've been a coward. I've been avoiding you when I should have just come talk to you. And I'm sorry for that." 

"Well you aren't the only coward," Fjord replies, stepping forward to lean back against the rail and face him, "I didn't come to you either."

"That's fair." He chuckles.

There's a beat of silence as they finally meet each others eyes. Caduceus sees that longing in his eyes again, the mask of neutrality slipping away before him. Privacy seems to be the key they've been missing lately.

"I meant what I said, back on the island. I care for you, Caduceus. More than I probably should but I can't seem to help that."

"You make it sound like it's a problem." 

"I thought it was!" Fjord exclaims with a dramatic sigh, resting more heavily on his elbows against the edge. "You're so approachable but, also seemingly _disinterested_ in these types of things." Fjord let's out an exasperated sigh, more tired with himself than anything it seems. His brow pinches and he looks a little sad. "I uhm, I also wasn't sure if I was getting the right signals from you and I didn't want to complicate our already complicated friendship. 

_Huh, guess I do have a poker face._

"It seems my disinterest in everyone else's love life was a good cover for my own interests." He says with a wry smile, pleased to see Fjord perk up at his admission. 

"Your interest." Fjord echos quietly, a small hopeful smile on his lips.

The image of Fjord on that beach smiling like it was the easiest thing in the world flashes through his mind. Fjord was smiling at him, smiling because of him, if only he can get them there.

"I also wouldn't say we have a complicated friendship, not really. We both had some assumptions about the other. I feel like at least my assumptions were wrong. You said it yourself, I'm not your master and you aren't my student."

Fjord nods along, staring a bit into the middle distance with his eyebrows nearly in his hairline as he seems to process the shift in his information. Caduceus smiles to himself, enjoying the look of dawning realization dance across Fjord's face. 

"And I am interested, Fjord," he continues, the wind in him making him feel bold, "If I must be so forward." He takes a step toward him, using his reach to set his hands on the banister on either side of Fjord, bracketing him in his arms.

Fjord let's out a puff of air between pursed lips before chewing on them again, a nervous tick, one of his very few tells. He has to crane his neck to look at him now, but he holds his gaze confidently, whether or not it's just bravado only Fjord knows.

"Well good, makes things easier." A small nearly hysterical laugh slips between Fjord's lips before his tongue darts across them, "I've waited three days and that's long enough. I'm gonna kiss you now." 

Caduceus only barely registers what Fjord says before he's up in his toes and grasping his jaw in both hands.

"Oh ok-" he manages to get out before Fjord is pulling him down and pressing their lips together. 

He inhales sharply in surprise even though he was warned. Fjord's calloused hands are so warm compared to the chill of the evening air, but his mouth is warmer. The tickling rasp of Fjord's coarse facial hair against his lips wasn't something he anticipated but he finds he's happy to be surprised. 

His lips _are_ softer than his hands.

He all but melts into Fjord, the tension that held him wound so tight he ached with it bleeding out against Fjord's gentle mouth. He leans down further, pressing their bodies together, following that magnetism that had been pulling at him for so long. He winds an arm tight around Fjord's back but keeps hold of the banister like he may float off into the sky if he let's go.

He's never kissed someone like this before. He was sure it would be different from when you kiss your mom on the cheek or your friend kisses yours, but wow it felt like he was full. Not that he was empty before, but more like he's overflowing. Now that he's kissed Fjord once he'll want to do it again, full of this feeling. Maybe he'll let him. Maybe Fjord is overflowing too. 

Fjord melts a little too, relaxing into his grip and snaking his arms up over Caduceus' shoulders. The tusks are an interesting piece to navigate, and it feels like Fjord is still learning to move around them too. But it's nice, a hard contrast to his pliable lips.

_I could do this all day-_ he thinks. 

Until the ship rocks and their balance falters, tilting until Caduceus crashes against Fjord pressing him sharply into the banister. The wind gets knocked from the both of them as their lips break apart with the impact. Caduceus grabs hold of the edge with both hands again, hoping to at least stay upright.

He feels Fjord laugh before he hears it, the jump of his chest against his ribs giving way to the sound a full bellied laugh. Caduceus manages to right himself and look down at Fjord, smiling so wide his eyes disappear in his ruddy cheeks and laughing so brightly that Caduceus feels it shining on his face. 

Oh, how did he end up here?

How did he end up press chest to chest with this man against the bow of a ship in the middle of an ocean that just six months ago he didn't know the name of? How did it happen so fast and also take _so_ long? How had he gone so long not knowing the taste of salt from someone else's lips? Recklessly he leans in again, capturing Fjord's smiling lips in his own, craving the feeling now that he's named it. Fjord laughs and sighs into his mouth, the press of tusk to his lip just another thrill.

When they finally separate it's Fjord that pulls back, unwinding the coil of his arms from around his neck to stand flat on the deck once more. He laughs when Caduceus inevitably chases after his mouth for one last chaste kiss. Fjord takes hold of Caduceus' jaw again, more gently this time, and just smiles at him as Caduceus sways with the ship. He can't help but smile back.

"I feel like that cleared up a few things?" Fjord offers, sounding a little beside himself.

Caduceus laughs, the reality of the moment sinking in. He'd called Fjord down here to talk things out and managed to get almost no talking done before they barreled ahead.

"Was there no more time for talking?" Caduceus asks, a gentle jab that has Fjord grinning and pinching at his furred cheeks.

"You know what, maybe I just wanted to be efficient. I think I got my point across and I certainly got a response." Fjord replies with a wink that reminds Caduceus that he did in fact respond, quite strongly too. He ducks his face in embarrassment but only manages to butt his head into Fjord's, who takes pity on him and tucks himself under Caduceus' chin to let him hide his face for a moment. 

"Alright big guy you're fine." Fjord consoles with a quiet chuckle, awkwardly patting his back. Caduceus appreciates the thought. 

"I guess I was a little uhm, enthusiastic huh?" He murmurs, wrapping his arms around Fjord to complete this strange embrace. 

"Believe me when I say I don't take offense. If you wanna kiss me like that every hour of the day I am _down_." Fjord replies, squeezing him around the middle for emphasis. 

His stomach bubbles at the thought of just... Kissing Fjord whenever he feels like it. He may have giggled, but he might deny it.

"Alright." He mumbles into Fjord's hair, squeezing him back, smiling like the fool he feels he is.

Fjord's hands skate down his sides and settle on his waist, gently pushing him back to break the embrace. Caduceus lets go and follows his lead, a little distracted by how much his hands cover and how warm they feel through his linen shirt. He tries not to let his thoughts linger too long on that. 

"I have to get back to the helm, I was going to relieve Orly for the evening. Would you… stay with me? I'm sure with your keen eyes and my uhm natural talents as captain we would have a fairly successful night of travel?" Fjord smiles that crooked hopeful smile that makes Caduceus' stomach squirm, but at least he knows it's supposed to feel that way. 

"Do you actually need help on the night shift or are you just making excuses to hang out with me now?" Caduceus teases and Fjord flounders like there's really any defense he can make. 

"Fuckin' I don't know! Maybe we could you know, talk? About things? Us?"

"So there was time to talk." He retorts with his own crooked smile. 

Fjord flushes, purses his lips and scrunches his brow, pointing an accusing finger up at him as his mouth works at a clever response that just doesn't arrive.

"You know what never mind! You're dismissed Mr. Clay! I must return to my post." Fjord blusters as his ears turn almost blue with embarrassment, carefully scooting out from between Caduceus and the rail of the ship in a way that takes all the bite from his words.

Caduceus rolls his eyes and catches Fjord's shoulder as he makes his delicate escape and turns him back around, pressing a kiss to Fjord's warm cheek.

"Sure. I'll stay with you, captain." He says with a smile.

Fjord's forced frown cracks and a shy smile takes it's place, "Alright." 

Caduceus laughs at Fjord's fickle display, happy to have played his part. He lets go of his shoulder and offers his hand. Fjord's smile brightens again as he twins their fingers together and leads them up to the helm to begin their watch, pushing ever closer to the coast that calls to them.

\--

They find themselves on the shore of Nicodranas, the sun setting on the horizon causing shimmering glass like sparkles to dance across the gentle waves lapping at the sand, glinting oranges and whites like fire set on the surface. The Mother's lighthouse stands tall behind them, ever watchful over her shores. They had planned an evening picnic, Caduceus had even made a basket of sandwiches and jugs of tea. But with the promise of land and surf off the ship and away from Rumblecusp most of the Nein could hardly contain themselves once their feet hit the sand. Caleb quickly stripped and waded into the water like it was a habit, Beau and Jester following suit though with a bit more modesty. As always Veth stuck to the beach, but with Yasha at her side ventured into the wet sand as they clumsily sculpted little towers and troughs. Caduceus set up the blanket and lounged in the dry sand a bit further back, happy to watch the others let out some energy. 

As always, his eyes strayed to Fjord. He wasn't quite as rambunctious as Beau, but was drawn to the water all the same. He stood in the surf, his pants rolled up to his knees and the waves lapping at his calves. He looks happy here. At home in a way he looks in few other places. Caduceus was glad that despite the turmoil Fjord still found peace in the sea that had shaped him so thoroughly. 

As if he could feel Caduceus' eyes upon him, Fjord turns and looks over his shoulder towards him. Caduceus feels his breath hitch in his chest when their eyes meet across the beach. He smiles, a bit awestruck at the familiarity, of the Mother's lighthouse watching over his shoulder as Fjord smiles back at him, eyes crinkling at the edges and white tusks poking out against green lips.

This smile was made just for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and tolerating the random posting times!


End file.
